War of the Worlds (2025 Edition)
How America defended itself from intergalactic annihilation—via emoji.
I wasn’t planning to write about Pete Hegseth. But when the NYT revealed that our Secretary of Defense leaked military strike plans—twice—via Signal chat, including one called "Defense | Team Huddle," I had one question: what if the stakes were even higher?
What follows is pure fiction. Mostly.
Excerpt from The Final Days: How Earth Was Saved (and Slightly Influenced) Declassified SIGINT Report – Level LOL-1 ClearanceWashington, D.C. — As the first Martian tripods vaporized a Costco in Kansas, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth sprang into action.
He opened Signal.
“Full-scale invasion happening. Anyone seen my AirPods? Also, Jennifer—what’s the good tie for wartime?”
The Defense | Team Huddle Signal thread—originally created to coordinate coffee runs and patriotic playlist suggestions—suddenly became the central hub of Earth’s interstellar defense.
Personnel Logged in Defense | Team Huddle (March–May 2025)
Jennifer Hegseth, Fox News producer and self-appointed morale officer, currently compiling Patriot Bops Vol. IV
Phil Hegseth, CrossFit enthusiast and Pete’s brother, primarily responsible for yelling “LET’S GO” in all caps
Tim Parlatore, Pete’s personal lawyer turned Navy cosplay consultant (goes by “Commander IRL”)
Dan “Tactical Bae” Caldwell, recently fired for leaking the Pentagon’s Taco Bell order and blaming it on a deep state psyop
SIGINT LOG: 05.15.25 / 07:42 EST
Day One: Initial Engagement
Pete: “Martians hit Cleveland. Should we… do something?” (Also, if someone finds my AirPods, check if one’s still playing Lee Greenwood. Dropped them in the Sit Room again.) (Really don’t want this to go like the balloon thing.)
Jennifer: “Can we hold them off until after your Tucker spot? Also I’m not seeing enough flags in these pics. Maybe get one blowing dramatically?”
Phil: “Quick Q: Are the tripods natty or enhanced? Asking for leg day motivation.”
Tim: “Legal note: If we call it a ‘Martian audit’ instead of a war, we don’t have to notify Congress. Geneva Convention doesn’t cover interstellar cases anyway.”
Pete: “Lmao. Deploying the pew-pews now. God bless 🇺🇸”
Cutaway: In a basement ops room across town, a young analyst reading Pete’s leaked thread quietly wept. “This was the plan?” she asked. No one answered. Her screen pulsed red.
Wrong Chat, Right Time
In a parallel thread—accidentally CC’d—the editor of The Atlantic received:
Live drone coordinates
A voice memo of Pete singing “Proud to Be an American”
A high-res JPEG of Jennifer's new haircut captioned: “War Hair. Don’t Care. 💋💥🇺🇸”
“Thought I was texting the boys. Turns out it was Jeffrey from The Atlantic. Oops.” — Pete, later
White House Statement “No classified information was shared. The aliens were already attacking. At most, Pete gave them a head start.”
Martian High Command (Translated) “We regret contacting this planet. Its leaders appear to be broadcasting from a Cracker Barrel parking lot.” Initiating full retreat. Recommend species-wide ghosting.
They promptly fled back to Alpha Centauri after being added to a Signal group labeled: Freedom Friends 4Ever 🇺🇸🔥
[Unsent Draft] — Pete “We okay?”
Aftermath
Earth was saved.
Pete took credit on Fox & Friends, calling his strategy “unconventional but vibey.”
“We didn’t just win the war,” he said. “We influenced it.”
Congress issued a sternly worded meme.
A bronze statue of Pete holding a phone aloft now stands in the ruins of the Topeka Costco. The plaque reads: “Reply All to Save the Republic.”
The statue also plays “God Bless the USA” on loop via Bluetooth. It is currently offline due to firmware grief.