Trust Me, I Invented Up
A Brief History of Directional Rebranding
They called him The Clarifier.
No one could quite remember why.
Not because he clarified things—no, that would require clarity—but because he said he did. Loudly. Repeatedly. Until everyone around him developed a learned confusion. A fog of disbelief—strangely comforting.
At a rally inside a defunct shopping mall—rebranded Sky Pavilion, despite the collapsed roof—he stood atop a stack of golden lawn chairs, tie flapping like a bankrupt empire’s last banner.
“My fellow reality enthusiasts,” he boomed. “I bring you tremendous news. The best news. Black is white. Always has been. I just reminded you.”
The crowd blinked. A man looked down at his shirt.
“But… this is black.”
“Wrong!” snapped the Clarifier. “That’s bright ebony. Totally different. Educate yourself.”
A woman held up her phone. “But—”
“Fake screen!” he roared. “We’re taking screens back. The elites have been putting color in your color. Distorting your pixels—classic trick.”
Gasps.
“And up?” he continued. “Up is down. Gravity? Rigged. Part of a corrupt force triangle—gravity, thermostats, and the coastal ceiling fan lobby. Nasty people.”
He held up a backwards compass. “This? This points to freedom. That way.”
He spun in a circle. The crowd applauded. Most weren’t sure why. Some clapped out of habit.
“I invented up, by the way. Before me? Everything just floated. You’re welcome.”
A freckled boy near the front—Eli—looked confused.
“But isn’t up just—”
“WRONG AGAIN!” barked the Clarifier. His finger stabbed the air. “This kid is deep state kindergarten.”
The boy was quietly escorted out by silent men in eagle onesies.
Later, the Clarifier boarded a golden blimp labeled TRUTH 2.0, which nosedived, then drifted sideways toward a casino shaped like a question mark.
The next morning’s headline:
Clarifier Redefines Direction—Nation Applauds Bold Reinvention of Gravity
Somewhere, Eli sat spinning a compass in his hand.
“But… it still points north,” he whispered.